Chapter 4

by Nidha

The smell of freshly brewing coffee brought her back to the present. Once again her mind had wandered to the past, and then skipped two steps into some fantasy future she had created. Almost bypassing the present entirely.  Why did she allow her mind to travel so recklessly? Why couldn't she just focus and be in the present?  Thus relieving her mind from the 'what if' scenarios she pondered over time and time again. It was exhausting.

She needed an 'off' switch. She needed to become Nietzsche’s cow, the one that grazed the fields with no concept or illusions of its past or future.

"So, what would you like?" asked the barista.

"Medium iced cappuccino and an almond croissant, please", she replied without a thought. Her regular. The soft, buttery croissant dough melting in her mouth, only to be interrupted by the crunchy, lightly toasted almond slithers. It always put her in a good mood.

Whilst she was waiting for her cold cappuccino she couldn't help but anxiously glance at the door, almost expecting her boss to walk in and catch her skiving off work. She never took a day off work, even if she was ill. She always feared that if she did take a day off for herself she would fall behind, both in work and life. She still had to figure out what spot she placed in this rat-race-of-a-life. Or was this race circuit just another illusion her mind created so it could continue travelling both to the past and future?

Shaking her head and smiling to herself, she carefully carried the tray back to the table where Lex was waiting for her. She was amused by her own childishness. She was still that school girl who wanted perfect attendance and to avoid detention.

Before she could even sit down, Lex had started telling her about her latest escapades and travels. Having not conversed in French for awhile she was struggling to keep up with the finer details of the story. Her mind wandered to an image of 15 year old Lex. Even back then Lex was so confident, unique and sure of herself. She made no apologies for her strong personality. If she wanted something, she got it. If she wanted to say something, she said it. It was as if the future didn't matter. Lex truly lived in the moment. That's why she always liked Lex, even if they didn't always see eye to eye on everything.

Lex eyed her tray and commented, "Iced cappuccino and almond croissant, like always huh?  Don't you tire of the same?"

"I like my regular order. It took me awhile to figure out what I like, and now that I know I'm going to stick to it."

"How boring. I can't live like that!" Lex replied

"Well I can. Cheers!" she said with a grin.

They both laughed. Cheers.   The word they whispered before their first drink and smoke, 15 years ago. Away from the prying adults and hiding in a tree house. A decade and half ago. Long time. So much had changed, but at the same time the bonds of the past had tied them to this present situation. Two friends, catching up on lost time at their favourite cafe.  Life was a twisted circle almost.

They both then began reminiscing about old times, and started to bring up old friend’s names. Lex remembered a lot, it was as if she memorized and kept up with everyone on the senior school year book. Some names she remembered, whilst other just seemed like the faceless mannequins she passed by on her way to work everyday.

Some classmates were successful in their careers, some were married, others divorced, some had children, others were still not yet done being children themselves! All in all it was amusing and Lex's eyes were sparkling, both from the tears of laughter and because of the genuine joy she felt when speaking about the people she cared about.

"What about Paul? How come he's not here holding your bag, and filling our conversations with random anecdotes and facts that we would never dream of knowing?" She asked jokingly. Paul was Lex's boyfriend. They were inseparable since the age of 14, when she had beaten him in a game of arm wrestling on the playground.

"....umm....he's not here." Lex mumbled inaudibly and her pupils darkened

"Where did he go? Don't tell me he actually trekked Mount Kilimanjaro, and is living there now? That loving nut was always the adventurous, brave one"

Lex remained silent. She was staring into the distance, with dark, cold eyes she had never seen on her before. Instinctively she touched Lex's hand. It was cold. Lex flinched and retracted her hand.

'He died whilst serving in Afghanistan' Lex said bluntly and without any emotion.

The mask had fallen, and for the first time in their friendship she saw Lex being vulnerable and hurting. Shocked, she shivered and was rendered speechless. She had read, heard and saw images of the war on the news everyday, but never had she emotionally felt the consequences of it. It was another continent. She knew it was terrible time and she felt sorry for them truly, but it was out of her control. She felt helpless. So she never let it get to her. But now with Paul, it suddenly became personal. It became a part of her, even though she knew she would never have to see bloodshed here at home. She was safe here.

With tears in her own eyes she continued to stare at Lex, waiting for some indication on how she should react. A hug? Words? All felt meaningless.  She didn't know what to say or do to make Lex's cold eyes alive again. So she just stared, not entirely believing what she had just heard.

Lex closed her eyes.  And when she opened them again the darkness was gone.

'So Judy got preggers and she might be having twins. She might be carrying a kid from two different blokes. How mental is that?' - Lex asked half amused, slowly sipping on her latte.

And just like that, Lex's mask was back up.